Inconsistency

Life is full of inconsistencies. People probably are as well, some more than others. Is the presence of inconsistencies simply 'immaturity?' Is the process of growing up to remove the inconsistencies? Are they detrimental to happiness? Do they only exist because of greed? Selfishness? Indecision? Do they prevent us from being loved wholly for who we are? Is it possible that an individual has too many of them to be loved by any one being?

I've lived over a quarter of a century and haven't managed to get rid of many of the inconsistencies. Maybe it's a sign I don't know who I am, or haven't decided who I want to be. It's like running a restaurant with an eclectic changing menu and not knowing to tell the guests whether to expect Burgers or Thai...although the Cheesecake Factory seems quite successful anyway.

The Dollhouse is a series about beautiful people who get programmed to be whatever a client wants them to be (sweet, sexy, smart, or kung-fu proficient). At baseline, however, the "dolls" are without any personality. They can be anyone, and yet are no one. Perhaps to be 'someone' requires the giving up of some colors on the palette, some totipotent potential. To be 'someone' requires not being someone else, to have a lack of strengths and talents that someone else might.

Things I'm NOT:
- a model
- an incredible singer like Taylor Swift
- good at beer pong
- able to have one-night stands without getting PTSD
- the pinnacle of logic
- Buddha
- a good loser at chess

There. I'm someone I think :-)

A Study

Abstract

A single-blinded taste test was performed between the two rival companies of tart yogurt: Pinkberry and Red Mango (not to be confused with the discarded/future names of companies Purple Grape, Green Kiwi, and Sweetfruit)

A total of two subjects were surveyed (n=2). Both popular flavors, "Original" and "Pomegranate" were compared. The subjects were asked to close their eyes. They were fed one spoonful of tart yogurt 3 seconds after another and then asked which they preferred "One" or "Two."

Results showed that one subject out of the two preferred Pinkberry to Red Mango, claiming that it was the more "tart" out of the two. This subject, however, has been knowing to utilize large amounts of balsamic vinegar and pepper on food items in the past and thus may have a skewed palate. The other subject showed no preference, although he did claim that the Pinkberry yogurt was "colder."

We conclude from our data that Pinkberry is clearly the more delicious and superior tart yogurt of the two leading brands. More studies are required to characterize the qualities of the numerous brands of tart yogurt in this rapidly expanding market.

Granted

To take things for granted:

I suppose it’s an adaptive trait. Our visual cortex has learned to stop noticing the things that don’t move in order to be able to pay attention to the things that do. It is what has allowed us to escape our predators, detect danger, discover new inventions, and realize when something precious has been stolen. If we were to notice everything that ever is, ever was, or ever will be, we may not really notice anything at all. It is against our instincts to appreciate that which has always been there for us: the bread at the grocery store, the kitchen light that turns on with the flick of the switch, the shelter and nourishment our parents provide whenever we return home for the holidays, the warmth of the naked arms waiting to embrace us each night. What must it take for us to challenge millions of years of evolution? Should we even challenge it?

To avoid being taken for granted:

also an adaptive trait. Our frontal cortex has learned to calculate the costs and benefits of our choices quite accurately. Action A costs x and benefits y. If the favor is not returned, we warn ourselves to abort the mission. It is what has allowed us to protect our resources, survive with the limited food and shelter we have, ensure that we are surrounded by those who are most likely to help us in times of hardship. It is against our instincts to continue to give when our gifts are not appreciated or eventually returned: kindness towards criminals, money for the drunkards, love for someone who does not love us in return. What must it take for us to continue giving through the warning signal? Should we even continue?

I believe we believe the answers are ‘yes.’

The most praised prophets of our world share these counter-evolutionary traits. That which most take for granted, they do not; that which most choose not to give, they do. But do we really aspire to be like them? Or are they simply the way we like our prophets, saviors, friends, parents, and significant others? Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by these selfless individuals? They make the best companions to take advantage of. To really live out these traits, we would have to give up a few percentages of our chances for survival. Is that worth it? It is quite obvious to our brains that it is not. What could it bring us? What could be worth more than survival?

Gray

There’s an elderly man sitting at the end of my row on the plane. And an elderly woman, likely his wife, came by just now for a while and stood by him in the aisle. “You almost halfway done with that book?” he asked her. She nodded. He continued to sit with his arms crossed, she continued to stand with her hand resting on the back of his seat. “They don’t show movies on the plane anymore,” he said. She replied in a few words. He sat and she stood for a while longer. “How much should we turn the clock forward?” she asked. “Two hours, they said. We’ll be there by one.” More sitting, more standing. They exchanged a few more sentences. “Well, I’ll see you later,” she said. “OK,” he replied. She turned and walked back down the aisle. All this love and romance and turmoil…all to have someone stand by you on the plane when your hair is gray. It’s well worth it I think.

Hard and Soft

Ideals, reality, hope, and disappointment.

These are difficult things to balance. I really admire those who can do it well. They seem to be comfortable with the way the world really is, accept it for the sadness that it contains. But at the same time, they are somehow free to hope for the best of things that occur here. For themselves, they are able to uphold their ideals of who they want to be, and who they challenge their loved ones to be. And they are not too hardened to experience disappointment when their ideals aren’t met because they realize it is part of life as well. At the same time, they are never too disappointed to leave their ideals behind. It’s a delicate combination of warm and cold, hard and soft that make up these individuals.

I on the other hand go through the days feeling too hard, too soft, too warm, too cold – never quite just right.

World

"Let's just say I have a very rich internal world."

- Justin Benjamin Lantz, 2009

Bamboo

There is a small establishment next to our hotel called Papas y Burgers. It consists of a small house that opens up to a fenced off area shaded by a tin roof, populated by dark tables and chairs. They have napkin holders made of shaven bamboo trunks filled with brown recycled napkins that match the brown recycled toilet paper in the bathrooms. They provide chess and backgammon sets and a pile of National Geographic in Spanish. A skateboard and boogey board lean casually on the walls.

Three guys run this place and are reliably around for most of the day, all of the days. Two of them have English accents: one has his head shaved and the other wears aviator sunglasses. The third talks like an American, and is likely from the Bronx? LA? Chicago? I will have to ask...There is a Spanish-speaking girl that is often around, sitting at the tables sipping on beer, or walking in and out from behind the bar. Her skin is a dark caramel, toned by the weight of the waves. She wears a black tank top and short shorts with brightly colored palm tree and surf board patterns. She's the kind that has a tattoo.

They take the time here to brew a batch of tea and ice it to ensure that it is decaf the way I prefer it. I was excited to see that there is a newly installed bubble blowing machine tucked into the corner of the entrance now quietly injecting little glistening pearls into the sun-filled humid air. But my favorite part: the smooth, slow, chilling beats of what they call "Buddha Bar" that constantly pulse here off their iTunes playlist. It reminds me that it is still possible to find Zen, that Zen is waiting for me, for as long as I hover under this tin roof, my chin propped up on my elbows by the bamboo napkin holders.

Curious

We are in Costa Rica. The place seemed to be designed just for tourists: a very small piece of land in which you can drive to most places in less than 5 hours, where once you leave the beach, you find green mountains, keep going through the mountains and you'll find exotic rain forests with endangered species all around. No wasted space here.

We passed by many houses/huts in the mountains - the kind that seem to be common in tropical places. They lack thick walls, windows and chimneys - obsolete here. We passed one that had a large tent shielding large piles of lumbar and later a serious but calm looking man holding a machete over his shoulder, which got me wondering what these people did for a living. Did they all know their neighbors? If so, who did they know to be respectable? Who did they know to fear? Who did they avoid talking to? Sleeping with?

Stop Thinking

Bev: You treat me like a 5 year old. You're going to take over for my parents, aren't you?

TJ: Well, there will be some things that I'll do that's just like your parents, and there will be some things that you do that's just like my parents. But there will always be things that you'll do for me that my parents don't and things that I'll do for you that your parents don't...

*pause*

TJ: Hey...stop thinking what you're thinking.

Bev: Well, I wasn't but I am NOW.

ENFP

I was reminded today that I am an ENFP (Extroverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving - the ones way out in left field):

"To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives...They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences."

***COMPATIBILITY: ENFPs are happiest in relationships with Tom Cruise.

***Famous ENFPs include anyone who has ever dated Tom Cruise.



...Any other ENFP's out there? (given the above however, I'd understand if you'd prefer not to show yourselves at this point)

The Interface

'The most interesting things tend to happen at the interface, between two elements, two surfaces, two forces, two states of being, two people...'

- Josh Ng (ca. high school)

Another Year

On the bus ride back now, and in the past few days since the last ride the earth has exploded into a lush new green. A year has passed again since the last. The same pounds were gained and lost. The same allergy medication put away and taken out again. The same clothes packed away and dug out from under the bed one more time. I tell myself that this year will be different, not really knowing what that might mean.

I do know that I am tired of and bored with my same thoughts, same awkward teenage feelings, same habits that refuse to commit to a purpose or religion, and same default reasoning to look out for miss number one. I’m tired of looking for a happiness conditional on so much perfection, tired of looking at my life like a Disney movie gone wrong. But what to replace these things with? So far, all I have to go on is to be better: kinder, more patient, more giving, more forgiving, more graceful. I write it here so that someone out there could hold me accountable for these things, so to not repeat the same year again.

Fortune Cookie

I'm sure the following can be found in the form of a fortune cookie somewhere in the world:

A doctor once told me that patients arrive at the hospital in a terrible situation: with an unknown diagnosis, and not getting better. And the goal of a doctor is to bring them out of that lower right corner of the punnett square: to either find out the diagnosis, or get them better, or preferably both.

It seems that the goal in life in general is the same: to either find out what you want, or be happy with what you have, but just avoid the lower right corner.

Ode to Joy

There are those of us who are content to allow our lives carry us in whichever direction, and we find joy in the places life takes us.

There are others who think long and hard about what it is we want and find joy in obtaining it at last after beating the odds.

Then there are those of us who can’t decide which of the two we are; and thus we let life carry us, and think long and hard about where its taken us, only to find that we can’t decide whether or not its given us joy at all, but for the sake of coming to some conclusion, convince ourselves that we can only find joy in what we have left behind or have not yet been taken.

Matter

I've heard that many things matter and many things don't. But I can't recall which was which...

the present, 10 years down the road
the big picture, the little things
that which is in front of you, that which is hidden beneath
one's word, one's actions
that which is right, that which feels right
the outcome, the intention
dignity, kindness
things that happen every day, things that don't happen every day
one's happiness, the happiness of others
that which is certain, that which you believe

Life's prix-fix menu...any recommendations?

Minds

Girl: What's on your mind love?

Boy: I saw this commercial today where someone in a spacesuit was using a cell phone to call home from outer space, and it made me wonder how the process of using a cell phone would work in outer space. Like would it be just like it is on earth? Or would there even be sound when the guy talks? Cuz doesn't that require air molecules and what-not? And if so, how would you even hear it when it rings in outer space? And then what about the structure of the cell phone itself? Like would some parts be messed up from the absence of gravity? And then there's the whole thing with signal. Would it be totally awesome all the time or what? But then you'd think that by the time we get to the point of even considering calling from outer space on cell phones we'd all be tele-porting anyways and wouldn't need silly black boxes we have to hold up to our ears to talk.
...
So what's on your mind?

Girl: You.

- Anonymous Contributer